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Rage - What Does it Feel Like?

One tiny comment - 'no'. My whole pattern of thought and what I expected to happen and what I had prepared for had changed. It had all shifted. I'm going downhill when I thought I was going to go up. My brakes don't work properly. Deep within me, I hear the motor growl and rev. Deep within me, something wells up. Something evil. I hate the feeling. I detest it, I dread it. It's all too familiar but I have no brakes. I know nothing is going to stop me...until I reach the bottom...and I pray nothing will be on the road on the way down - down the long, steep slope.

Deep within, there's sheer power and momentum curling, swirling, growing, shuddering to the surface. I stand and feel the great tidal wave grow and grow, its mighty power cascading along. I wish it back, but I know that no one can force back a wave.

The sheer power and momentum surges through my muscles. I tense them - my whole body rigid in fierce anger. I must control it. I do my best.

I hit the wall. Again. Again. Get rid of this feeling. I hate everything. Why do I have to feel like this? Someone is shouting at me to stop. I can't stop - this wave must run its course. I must reach the bottom of this hill.

Again, another surge through very particle in my body. I screw up my face and clench my teeth. Go away, go away. Again, my entire body tenses up with the power, the force - again, rigid with anger - my whole body, like one clenched fist. I thrash around and hit and hit the wall. I hit the door. I bite my quilt. I let the force out through my teeth.

Tears well up in my eyes. The wave has nearly reached the shore and I wait as it rushes up the beach, water swirling. My eyes stinging.

I hate myself. I hate myself for all that, for going out of control and for hurting and embarrassing those who watched me. I don't want to talk.

Until next time, I'm sorry.



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